Don't Spill the Beans

Any of you have or play this game as kids? I remember playing it some ... never really liked it, though. I just couldn't get into a game based on a pot of pinto beans. (And yes ... way back in the day, we played with real beans, not plastic pinto/peanut looking hybrid faux beans ... maybe we lost the ones it came with ... I don't know).

It's ironic that a game I never enjoyed as a kid, I play all the time as an adult. (No - not actually, Mr. Literal) My life is an awful lot like that red kettle. It is full of so much "stuff" already and I keep adding more to an already tipping pot. And if it's not me saying "yes" to something new, taking on a new task, agreeing to be part of something, etc., it is life - people and crazy happenings - adding "beans to my pot". But the beans don't just represent all the things I do or should be doing. Or even all the things happening to us. They also represent all the things I feel.

I know it is a proverbial broken record, but our version of autism is exacting a voracious toll on me and my family. You begin to wonder how many tantrums, attacks, and violent episodes you (or anyone) can endure. Lately, our emotional tanks have been nearly depleted. My sweet Sarah (age 9) said this to Cecilia (my wife) the other day: "No one in this house is happy anymore". Let that settle in on you for a moment. That statement hit me like a truck. To remedy it a little, Sarah and I took a date night that very night. "Bedtime Stories" wasn't the greatest movie, but we sure had a good time together. It gave a necessary, albeit short-lived relief to us both. But the emotional weight of all that is going on remains.

From the "typical" (whatever that means) stresses of life to the extra-intense stresses of autism, financial pressures, dual-teenagers (although I must say here that my two boys are awesome young men who only occasionally make me want to stomp a mud hole in them), and all the church stuff and constant demands that brings, we have a full pot of "beans" about to reach the tipping point. Occasionally, a few come tumbling out - and usually at the worst times. You end up saying stuff you wouldn't normally say, responding in ways you normally would not, or venting on the undeserving. At the very least, the joy can get sapped out easily. And that's easy to spot for a sharp 9-year old.

What do you do when you feel like the load you carry is more than on the heavy side? What do you do when you feel like you are trying to keep it all steady and balanced, but you fear the whole pot might come tumbling over with everything inside spilling out into a big mess?

I know a few practical things I have done and recommended ...

... re-prioritize and give up a few things that are lower on the list (but that's hard to do when you already are only doing stuff you consider "important")

... take some time for yourself to re-charge, rest, recreate, etc. (again - hard to do when there is little to no time left on the schedule)

... find someone to talk to, to share the load (but precious few understand even a little of the world we live in, some don't care, and some you'd just rather not know)


I know a few spiritual things as well ...

... Pray (and I'm admittedly not doing enough of that)

... "casting all our cares on Him because he cares for us" (I'm trying to do more of that)

... Read scripture (which I am doing more of and finding real comfort in ... especially Isaiah 58 ... that may just be my theme passage for 2009)


I also know that in my "profession", I am always supposed to have all the answers. I am expected to tell my story of struggle and hardship and then neatly wrap it up with "3 steps to a better you" or some such scheme. But life is not always that tidy. And the answers aren't always that simple. And I know God is here - is able - and cares. I just don't know how all this will pan out. Maybe you have to have that tipping point moment where all the stuff unceremoniously pours out of your life so you can fully rely on God to put it all back together. I don't know. I feel like I should know, but today I do not. Today I am merely a slightly unbalanced pot trying not to spill the beans.