Thanks for the encouragement, Paul

Can I give you a dirty little secret about preachers? (well - this preacher, at least). We don't always take our own medicine. There. I said it. I'm not proud of that little fact, but I know it's true. There have been more than a few times I have offered others advice or biblical guidance that I myself have not followed. Oh, i know what i should do, but at times - probably like every other Christian - I don't do it. Case in point: Dealing with discouragement and disappointments ...

Just this Sunday, I was filling in our congregation a little on the condition of my son, Mark. (He comes home TODAY, by the way!) I mentioned something off the cuff about how Philippians reminds us of how the joy of the Lord can be our strength, etc. etc. Sometimes those familiar phrases, almost cliche' like, roll off the tongue too easily. But this time, God stopped me. He sent me back to Philippians this week with this conviction: "Are you finding strength in my joy?" And I have not been. I have been worn down and discouraged. I have weary and less productive. Not to sound overly dramatic, but the accumulation of all this "stuff" lately (Mark's situation and a lot more) has just beaten me down. I didn't realize the cumulative effect until the last few days. So ... as I went back to Philippians, this is what I found to help deal with discouragement and hardship. I hope this helps you as it has me.

I remember someone once sharing this advice to me after I had been disappointed: "Don't ever expect anything, and you won't ever be disappointed." While that may be true, it sure is a negative and cynical way to live life, isn't it? I've also heard the "word-faith" "name it and claim it" TV preacher (often and sadly emulated in our area) tell us that we "get exactly what we expect" as if our words, thoughts, claims, statements, etc. direct the future. Well, I don't know about you, but I have gotten quite a lot I didn't expect in this life. I've personally decided on a different sort of motto. Being a huge believer in the sovereignty of God, I believe that I'll "get whatever God wants me to get". With that in mind, I know I will face things that hurt, confuse, disappoint, and discourage me. But i will also know that God does in fact know what He is doing and that He does do what He does out of love for us, so here's ...

SOME BIBLICAL GUIDANCE FOR FACING DISAPPOINTMENTS, DISCOURAGEMENT, and HARDSHIPS (from Philippians 1):

When life is tough (say, like being in prison, ala the apostle Paul) ...

1) Find a positive and sustaining memory! (vs. 3-5)

Paul certainly had an incredible and memorable life. Of course, not all of the memories were good … Notice that he recalls positive events and people who have blessed him. This helped him carry on! Our momentary problems can really skew our perspective on our lives. We tend to self-pity, resentment, anger, and the like,. We ask questions about "fairness" and "why me?" But i know for me, my life has been pretty good. I have experienced many wonderful events, known lots of great people, and have been very blessed. It's hard now, but this chapter of my life is not the only one that has been written or that will be written.

Philippians 1:3-5 (ESV) I thank my God in all my remembrance of you, always in every prayer of mine for you all making my prayer with joy, because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now.

My positive memories remind me (in the words of my favorite professor, Dr. Melvin) that this too shall pass! My life has not always been like this and it will not always be like this. I can recall better times, and doing so returns a sense of balance and perspective to my life.


2) Trust God for ultimate outcomes! (vs. 6)

He always knows what He is doing, even when you’re in prison! (like Paul). And He is forever in control! And while we cannot always see His hand at work, we should trust that He is working towards an ultimate end. I struggle to understand the "why" of autism, sickness, my son's broken wrist right on the verge of his basketball tournament (and birthday), and so many other day-to-day events and happenings. God often does not answer my prayers as I request Him too. (Do you ever do that? Give God your plan and then get disappointed when he doesn't, genie-like, carry it out?) Instead of getting lost in the immediate, look to the ultimate. Trust God as completely as Paul did:

Philippians 1:6 (ESV) And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

God will definitively finish what He started in me - and in you.

3) Invest in life long edifying friendships! (vs. 7-8)

Circumstances can (and will) disappoint. Thank God for close friends who encourage us and sustain us when we are struggling! Over the last few months, the support, help, and encouragement of friends has really carried us. From the cards, letters, and emails to the unexpected gifts, we have really been blessed by friendship. And beyond the good people of FBJB who have constantly encouraged us with their words, prayers, and generosity, we have been carried by long-time friends that we love and who love us. I am not too proud to admit my need for those sorts of friends. I believe God created us all that way - with a need to live interdependently with eat other. I can understand what Paul meant when he spoke of those he held in his heart. The close friends I hold in my heart have been - more than they will know - a gift of God to me.

Philippians 1:7 (ESV) It is right for me to feel this way about you all, because I hold you in my heart, for you are all partakers with me of grace, both in my imprisonment and in the defense and confirmation of the gospel.


4) Try to see the bigger picture! (vs. 12-18)

What was it that primarily kept Paul going? It's the same "thing" that will keep any person going thru adversity and hardship. It is a sense of purpose and calling. That driving sense of who I am and what I am here for is a powerful motivator to keep on going. What great purpose do you have that will keep you going in the midst of crisis? Without purpose, we are so much more likely to quit - to give up. Have you ever quit something saying, "What's the point?" Paul knew the point of his life. He also realized that in spite of what he was going through, the purpose of God for his life was still playing out! Yes - things are exceedingly tough at the moment, but look at the big picture! God is still accomplishing His plan through my life.

Philippians 1:12-18 (ESV) I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel, so that it has become known throughout the whole imperial guard and to all the rest that my imprisonment is for Christ. and most of the brothers, having become confident in the Lord by my imprisonment, are much more bold to speak the word without fear. Some indeed preach Christ from envy and rivalry, but others from good will. The latter do it out of love, knowing that I am put here for the defense of the gospel. The former proclaim Christ out of rivalry, not sincerely but thinking to afflict me in my imprisonment. What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed, and in that I rejoice.

5) Always keep an eternal perspective! (vs. 19-26)

God has placed in the life of every believer a spiritual deposit (the Holy Spirit) of what is in store for us (Heaven). It is right that we should long for it. It is beneficial for us to frame our view of everything in light of it! I think of this in most extreme terms: win or lose - as a Christian, I still win! You get it? What is the worst that could happen to me? Death? Well then, I win! And if I live? Then I continue doing what God made me to do for His glory and my eternal reward. One way or the other, I WILL BE delivered! If it's cancer, one way or the other - here or there - I will be delivered! Autism? Just the same! Hardship? Difficulty? It won't last! Paul said:

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (ESV) So we do not lose heart. Though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day. For this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

and ...

Philippians 1:19-26 (ESV) ... for I know that through your prayers and the help of the Spirit of Jesus Christ this will turn out for my deliverance, as it is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all, for your progress and joy in the faith, so that in me you may have ample cause to glory in Christ Jesus, because of my coming to you again.

So hang in there. Be encouraged. Paul suffered beyond what any of us will likely endure. And his suffering as a Christian was not because of bad choices, stupid mistakes, or sin. He suffered for doing the right thing. And he held up. In fact, stood firm, kept fighting, and was unfazed by the attacks of the enemy.

Thanks for the encouragement, Paul.

Mark's not home.

I woke up this morning and went downstairs for breakfast. I immediately noticed the box of Honeycomb cereal left out on the counter. It made me a little irritated. We just don't leave cereal out around our house because of Mark. My first thought was: "Mark is going to get into this cereal and go nuts". (He's on a gluten and casein free diet). Then it hit me. hard. Mark's not home. It's these small daily reminders that Mark is not with us, but is instead here that really get to me. The first night, it was his open door to his bedroom late at night. Then it hit me. Mark's not home. Yesterday, it was the neighbor's dog barking - which always leads to an episode of head-banging for Mark. In the odd ensuing silence, I realized, Mark is not home.

After consulting with a couple of his doctors, we made the hard choice this past weekend to admit Mark to the Sea Harbor program at the Central Florida Behavioral Hospital. After yet another weekend of crisis-inducing behaviors (violent head-banging, biting himself, and being very aggressive towards us) we knew we had to move beyond all that we have tried up to this point. Spending the day there on Saturday touring and interviewing and being interviewed about Mark was emotionally exhausting. Leaving him there at the end of the day was one of the hardest things Cecilia and I have ever done. And while we hold out hope that this 30 (possibly even 60) days of treatment, therapy, and observation will lead to breakthrough for Mark, we can't be sure. Since his admission on Saturday, we visited him on Sunday afternoon, again on Tuesday evening, and we will be going there again this afternoon. After that, we can only visit one time per week. That's going to be tough. We hope to see some hopeful signs today.

Thanks to all who have prayed, written encouraging notes and emails, sent cards, called us, and offered to help in many ways. I feel badly that I have responded to precious few of those emails, voice mails, and notes so far, but I still intend to. Please know that we appreciate the acts and words of kindness and the support of friends. Because many of you have asked, i will post periodic updates here. If you want to know more, feel free to call or email (although I may be a bit slow in responding). And keep praying, please. for Mark. for us. for the whole family.


Hanging in there ...



Ohhhh ... one last thing. Today is World Autism Awareness Day. We're quite "aware" of autism and its impact on people. Today might be a good day for you to pick up some new info on this modern epidemic. Just google.

Don't Spill the Beans

Any of you have or play this game as kids? I remember playing it some ... never really liked it, though. I just couldn't get into a game based on a pot of pinto beans. (And yes ... way back in the day, we played with real beans, not plastic pinto/peanut looking hybrid faux beans ... maybe we lost the ones it came with ... I don't know).

It's ironic that a game I never enjoyed as a kid, I play all the time as an adult. (No - not actually, Mr. Literal) My life is an awful lot like that red kettle. It is full of so much "stuff" already and I keep adding more to an already tipping pot. And if it's not me saying "yes" to something new, taking on a new task, agreeing to be part of something, etc., it is life - people and crazy happenings - adding "beans to my pot". But the beans don't just represent all the things I do or should be doing. Or even all the things happening to us. They also represent all the things I feel.

I know it is a proverbial broken record, but our version of autism is exacting a voracious toll on me and my family. You begin to wonder how many tantrums, attacks, and violent episodes you (or anyone) can endure. Lately, our emotional tanks have been nearly depleted. My sweet Sarah (age 9) said this to Cecilia (my wife) the other day: "No one in this house is happy anymore". Let that settle in on you for a moment. That statement hit me like a truck. To remedy it a little, Sarah and I took a date night that very night. "Bedtime Stories" wasn't the greatest movie, but we sure had a good time together. It gave a necessary, albeit short-lived relief to us both. But the emotional weight of all that is going on remains.

From the "typical" (whatever that means) stresses of life to the extra-intense stresses of autism, financial pressures, dual-teenagers (although I must say here that my two boys are awesome young men who only occasionally make me want to stomp a mud hole in them), and all the church stuff and constant demands that brings, we have a full pot of "beans" about to reach the tipping point. Occasionally, a few come tumbling out - and usually at the worst times. You end up saying stuff you wouldn't normally say, responding in ways you normally would not, or venting on the undeserving. At the very least, the joy can get sapped out easily. And that's easy to spot for a sharp 9-year old.

What do you do when you feel like the load you carry is more than on the heavy side? What do you do when you feel like you are trying to keep it all steady and balanced, but you fear the whole pot might come tumbling over with everything inside spilling out into a big mess?

I know a few practical things I have done and recommended ...

... re-prioritize and give up a few things that are lower on the list (but that's hard to do when you already are only doing stuff you consider "important")

... take some time for yourself to re-charge, rest, recreate, etc. (again - hard to do when there is little to no time left on the schedule)

... find someone to talk to, to share the load (but precious few understand even a little of the world we live in, some don't care, and some you'd just rather not know)


I know a few spiritual things as well ...

... Pray (and I'm admittedly not doing enough of that)

... "casting all our cares on Him because he cares for us" (I'm trying to do more of that)

... Read scripture (which I am doing more of and finding real comfort in ... especially Isaiah 58 ... that may just be my theme passage for 2009)


I also know that in my "profession", I am always supposed to have all the answers. I am expected to tell my story of struggle and hardship and then neatly wrap it up with "3 steps to a better you" or some such scheme. But life is not always that tidy. And the answers aren't always that simple. And I know God is here - is able - and cares. I just don't know how all this will pan out. Maybe you have to have that tipping point moment where all the stuff unceremoniously pours out of your life so you can fully rely on God to put it all back together. I don't know. I feel like I should know, but today I do not. Today I am merely a slightly unbalanced pot trying not to spill the beans.

Autism and Faith

What challenges your theology? I mean, what causes you to seriously evaluate your personal belief systems? Has anything ever pushed it to the limit? Anything ever made you struggle with doubt and confusion? If it has not yet, it probably will.

My son Mark challenges mine. Like any proud father, I had dreams and ambitions for my son even prior to his birth. I imagined his accomplishments and impact on this world. He was to be the third “arrow” fired from my bow. (Psalm 127:4). Then, autism shook my faith. I asked a million times, “Why, God?” I wondered to myself, “Is this punishment for my sins?” Later I would agonize over prayers for healing that went seemingly unanswered. I wondered (if only to myself) “God, do you still heal?” I learned that it is often easier to say the right things than to feel them or even believe them. It developed into a full-blown crisis of faith – no doubt. But then, God began to teach me. He began teaching me that my anguish is not the whole issue. It is my response to it. I had a fundamental choice. Would I continue to trust in the goodness and mercy and plans of God as I always had, or would I depart from my faith because of my situation? I chose the former.

I began to see other people’s struggles in a different light. I began to be (I hope) more compassionate. I began to see that people everywhere have issues and struggles that confront their faith. They may carry different names (like autism, cancer, addiction, etc.) but they all challenge us to get real with our faith or to get rid of it as false. I think life is too hard for false religion.

I perceive Mark differently now. You see, Mark is a remarkable child. He is intelligent, but you have to play close attention if you want to see it. He is full of love, but you will miss it if all you hear are words. He is insightful, always noticing everything around him, but because he is often silent, he himself goes unnoticed. I also see how he affects people. How he draws out the best in us. How he brings out love. He is God’s special gift and he is a sharp arrow that God is using.

Your crisis of faith – your personal theological mountain to climb – will either bring you to a place of profound rest in God, or it will drive you from the one place where you can find peace. If you cannot trust in God, in whom or what can you trust? I have decided to trust in Him.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."
- Psalm 91:1-2 (NIV)

A little bit of Romans 8:28 ... just when I needed it most

I'm going to keep this short. Here's the scenario:

My son Mark has had a terrible few weeks. I wrote about thsi already, so I won't rehash the details. Suffice it to say that hsi autism was wearing us all very thin. There is only so much aggression, screaming, and tantruming that one family can take.

Just when we thought it couldn't get any worse, we get this: Sunday night (around dusk) Mark is swimming in the pool - his and our only respite - although lately he screams even in there. Anyway, he hops out of the pool and goes to the trampoline. Again, this is usually a time of enjoyable respite for us all. But all he did was scream. Finally, saving both my sanity and that of the neighbor's, I go out and make him come in. I had to all but carry him to the house (and he isn't small). When we get him in, we realize he has a terrible rash. It is all over his back. We can't figure if it is from the cut grass, a reaction to his plethora of meds he takes, or what. All we know is that on top of whatever else has been driving Mark crazy lately, he now also has a terrible rash.

Cecilia goes out and gets some Benadryl liquid. After a little while of crying, etc. he calms down, does pretty well and finally dozes off to sleep. The next morning, we send him off to school (and he went surprisingly happy) - still scratching the rash - and guess what? The school nurse calls and says we have to pick him up because he cannot be around other students with such a rash. Of course, we also have Cecilia's dad in ICU at the time and we are both trying to work and cover all the family bases, so this is one more weight to an already over-burdened family. Thankfully, my mom was available to pick him up (around 10 AM). Of course now we can't take him back to school without a doctor's note saying he is ok. So ... Cecilia gets on the phone trying to get an appointment with Mark's autism specialist, Dr. Jeff Bradstreet. We have been at wit's end anyway with Mark and needed some help and some new approaches to his treatment so we figured we'd kill two birds with one stone, so to speak. Dr. Bradstreet could see if it was a rash - particularly one caused by his meds - and could also give us some new strategies or medications or anything to help us.

Miraculously, Cecilia gets an "emergency appointment" yesterday at 3:45 pm. For most doctors, this would not be so incredible, but Dr. Bradstreet operates two offices - one in Arizona and one in Melbourne, Florida - and sees many patients. Appts are very rare and very expensive. Anyway, we get in ...

Now here is where it gets interesting ...

Mark had a great day on Monday. In fact, we were telling each other that Dr. Bradstreet would think we're crazy describing how horrible his behaviors have been when he sees Mark. In his office, Mark was laughing, talking, and being very sweet. In fact, he was that way all the way to Melbourne.

The Dr. looked at Mark's rash and said it was from noceums. Keep in mind that Mark's pain tolerance is pretty incredible. Apparently, he was getting bitten up by these little "flying teeth" all the time he was jumping on the trampoline with no shirt. And what would cause most of us to run for the house, he just ignores - or cries thru (but you don't usually know what he is crying about. He asked what we had given him for it and we said Benadryl. He asked if it was working, and we said the scratching seemed to lessen. But we really didn't want to talk about that. We wanted to talk about these behaviors, and how to get a handle on them. We were really perplexed though, since he had 1 1/2 really good days though - after weeks of consecutive rough ones.

Dr. Bradstreet asked us if he was better after getting the Benadryl. We thought about it a little and said, "yeah - I guess so". Well, let me cut to the chase (since I said this would be short, and already it's not). As it turns out, Benadryl (an antihistamine) has similar properties to a few of the other meds Mark takes and also some (obvious) benefits helping him deal with his myriad allergies. Bottom line - the Benadryl probably made a big difference in how he was feeling, processing information, and behaving. And now it is part of our daily routine as of yesterday.

Just when we thought that all we needed was one more issue with Mark - and one more thing to frustrate and annoy him - it turns out that maybe the noceums actually benefitted Mark. (Although I wish there were about 30 fewer bites needed to accomplish it!). Mark is doing better today. And I know we would never have given Benadryl without a need.

So who knows how God can or might send small, unexpected blessings? It just reminds me that "... we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28)

And when you think of noceums as unmitigated evil - think of this: "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done ..." (Genesis 50:20 - admittedly out of context)


And just when I (and Mark and Cecilia) needed it most!

We know autism all too well ...

... my family and I have watched Mark struggle with it for over 9 years.  We know what it is like to hear that fateful diagnosis. We know what it is like to feel overwhelmed and unprepared. We know the all-too-common feelings of hopelessness when treatment after treatment fails to deliver.  We know the well-intentioned efforts of friends and neighbors who offer advice and "cures" that we have long known about and have tried already.  We know the difficulty of even maintaining a daily routine.  We know Mark's self-injurious and destructive behaviors.  We know his sudden and unexplained sadness and screaming and occasional acts of aggression.  We know his moments of sweetness and gentleness.  We know that at least 1 in 150 of all children in America are afflicted by autism, making it more common than pediatric cancer, diabetes, and AIDS combined. It occurs in all racial, ethnic, and social groups and is four times more likely to strike boys than girls.

What we don't know is a cure. 

The time to find one is now.

Together, we are empowered to more quickly and efficiently accomplish our mission: to find the causes, effective treatments, and a cure for autism. Together, we ensure an even more profound impact on the autism community and our fight to better the lives of those affected. Together, we will walk to cure autism.

I am participating in the Walk Now for Autism event this February.  You can support our team, Mark's Monkeys, by walking with us, or donating on behalf of those who are.  If you want more information about Mark, autism, or this event, please email me or call.  You can also post a message here and I will respond.

Thanks and may God bless our kids!

Autism, Disabilities, and the Church

It really saddened me to see this video about an autistic boy who has been banned from his local church. I can certainly understand the difficulties that this mom has faced over the years with her severely autistic son. I can easily see those difficulties being magnified as he gets as big and as strong as her son apparently is. He has to deal with hormones and a changing body like any teenager. Plus, he likely has a growing sense of frustration that he cannot communicate and let his feelings and needs/desires be known like a "typical" teenager can. (I realize as I type this that "typical teenager" is probably an oxymoron). I can even understand the fears and frustrations of the local church his family is a part of. Most people don't know how to react to a 10 year-old with autism, much less one in his teen years. Yet, I hurt for not only this family, but for every family that is estranged from the normalcy of life most everyone else takes for granted: the ability to enjoy an evening at a restaurant with your whole family, or the blessing of being able to walk through the aisles of a grocery store without fearing a meltdown over some forbidden food, or comfortably being able to have guests over without worrying that your autistic son might spend the evening screaming, banging his head on the floor or walls, or intermittently streaking naked through the room. And now the family is being denied that one cord that ever so tenuously holds them together: their faith and their church. Where else will they go where they can be accepted and loved? If not the church, then where? If not God's people (the real definition of "church") then who?
All this makes me so very thankful for the church family I have in Jensen Beach. They have lovingly accepted Mark's presence and behaviors and issues and I suspect they will as long as we are here among them. They have allowed my wife to have a place of peace and solace and encouragement as she worships God here WITH Mark (and the rest of our family). In those weeks where we are barely hanging on because of all that has happened, that Sunday opportunity to gather with God's people, to pray, sing, and hear the message from the Bible is priceless to us. I literally cannot imagine making it through without it.
This situation also makes me realize that there are likely MANY families out there who feel just as estranged from church as this family now does. Of course, they are probably not forbidden from coming (legally or otherwise) like the poor family in the video, but nonetheless they are unwanted by people who do not understand the struggle of the families involved and their spiritual needs, nor the spiritual needs of those with disabilities. These families are not welcomed because there is nothing for them or their children, and there is no attempt to provide an atmosphere of welcome and acceptance to them.
We have to change that. I want for the families of the Treasure Coast the same experience my family has had. I want all the other "Marks" out there to have a place where they will be loved, cared for, and accepted, n o matter how challenging they become. Pray for me and the church as we try to develop just such an atmosphere. Pray as I develop a plan of comprehensive ministry to families with disabilities.

When I think of how Jesus sees my Mark, I think of Jesus sitting on a grassy knoll with kids running all around him (loud and chaotic) as he says to those who just don't get it: But Jesus said, "Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to Me; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." (Matthew 19:14 NASB)

Six-Word Memoirs

An interesting little book is capturing a lot of media attention these days. I just ordered my copy, as a matter of fact. Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six-Word Memoirs by Writers Famous and Obscure by Larry Smith is self-described as:

Deceptively simple and surprisingly addictive, Not Quite What I Was Planning is a thousand glimpses of humanity - six words at a time.
One Life. Six Words.
What's Yours?
When Hemingway famously wrote, "For Sale: baby shoes, never worn," he proved that an entire story can be told using a half dozen words. When the online storytelling magazine SMITH asked readers to submit six-word memoirs, they proved a whole, real life can be told this way too. The results are fascinating, hilarious, shocking, and moving. From small sagas of bittersweet romance ("Found true love, married someone else") to proud achievements and stinging regrets ("After Harvard, had baby with crackhead"), these terse true tales relate the diversity of human experience in tasty bite-sized pieces. From authors Jonathan Lethem and Richard Ford to comedians Stephen Colbert and Amy Sedaris, to ordinary folks around the world, everyone has a six-word story to tell.

"Everyone has a six-word story to tell".

The premise kinda grabbed me, I must admit. So I thought I'd give it a shot. Little did I know that I'd struggle for over an hour trying to summarize my life (so far) in 6 words. Here are some I considered:

I said I would. I did.

Please tell me it's getting better.

What if I'm wrong? Can't be.

Good so far. Jury still out.

I always start tomorrow. Why's that?

only to finally settle on this:

"Autism interrupted. That's OK. We're happy."

So what's your story?

Post your six-word memoir here!

Happy Birthday, Mark!

Today is my son Mark's birthday. He's 10. We tried to get him to open some presents this morning but he wasn't really interested. I think they are still on the kitchen table - mostly untouched. We sang to him, but I think it annoyed him more than anything. He got a card or two in the mail yesterday, but he doesn't really show much interest. And if the cards contain money, it could fall to the floor for all he cares. And he wasn't happy at all today. He spent a solid 15 minutes crying on the floor of his room before he calmed down enough to make it to school (and then only with the promise of a Rice Krispy Treat). If you are reading this wondering what kind of awful birthday this must be for him, know this: autism affects everything. To him, today is just another day - and obviously not a good one so far. But if he holds to form ("form" being what he has done the last couple of weeks) he'll be ok after getting into the routine of his day, and he'll get over whatever was bothering him this morning.

We've been in the "world" of autism for 8 1/2 years now. It's been a bumpy ride, that's for sure. Days like today remind us of every challenge along the way. Cecilia cried in Toys-R-Us yesterday while shopping for a birthday present that he would like - or even care about. She remembers him being "such a perfect baby". I still remember our first official autism diagnosis ending with the doctor telling us, "He'll never sit by a lake and read poetry". Yeah - I thought that was pretty calloused, myself. Since then, we have done all that we can to ensure Mark has every chance to do that - and more. I think the doctor was wrong. I think he will sit and read poetry by a lake (He can read, by the way). He might only do it for a few minutes and then take off all his clothes and jump into the lake, but he'll do it. We've seen Mark make great strides. He can do 3rd grade level work in math, can read and spell fairly well, and now communicates his needs and wants verbally (most of the time). Mark still has lots of challenges, though. His self-injurious behaviors have intensified over the past few months. His tantrums can be pretty intense. And he isn't sleeping as well (or as much) as he used to. We continue to work for, pray for, and expect the best. With each passing year, some things get easier and some get harder.

But today, we just want him to have a happy birthday. For the last couple of weeks, he's been working on the correct answer to "How old are you, Mark?" so that he would be ready for this day (and this year).

Lord, help him be ready. And help us.